While in Canada, I decided to read my favorite Canadian stories: the Anne of Green Gables series. I’ve read them frequently, and Anne was one of my childhood heroes. I adore her imagination and spirit, and I enjoy her cleverness and sense of humor. (Warning this post contains spoilers.)

Anne’s House of Dreams has generally been one of my favorite books because Anne and Gilbert are finally married (horray!) and Captain Jim makes me smile. Reading it now, in light of my infertility, was a bit harder than normal.

One of the threads woven into the story is that of Anne’s first baby, Joyce (Joy). There are subtle little hints that Anne is expecting, such as “‘Well he might ask one thing more,’ whispered Anne happily. ‘Oh, Gilbert, it seems as if I just couldn’t wait for the spring.’” (page 89). As a reader, I saw the hope and happiness as Anne waits for the baby due in the spring. As someone who has read it before, I knew baby Joy would die the evening of her birth.

Knowing that it would end in pain, I expected to find myself pitying Anne and her hope (as I usually do), but instead I found myself wishing I could taste that expectation. To be sure, I do not envy Anne the grief of losing her daughter, but I frequently find myself having to battle for hope, which seemed to come so easily to the expecting Anne.

Another important figure in this storyline is Leslie Moore, a tragic character that I’ve generally had difficulty comprehending. Part of her response to Joy is described “‘I envy Anne,’ said Leslie suddenly and fiercely, ‘and I’d envy her even if she had died! She was a mother for one beautiful day. I’d gladly give my life for that!’” (page 118). It is easier for me to understand Leslie more than I have in the past, I understand the fierce desire to be a mother when it seems impossible. As I read, I also knew that Leslie will become a mother. I knew that Anne will have more beautiful children. I even knew that some day one of Leslie’s sons and one of Anne’s daughters will fall in love.

I also know that the death of baby Joy will be what finally allows Anne and Leslie to have the deep and beautiful friendship they develop. While it might have been possible to break down the barrier between them without tragedy, some good came out of it.

Knowing some of the developments in the story gives me a fictional sort of hope for them as I read. I look forward to their future happiness- both the happiness in spite of the "current" sadness and the happiness because of it.

I don’t know how my story will develop. Perhaps God will open my womb and bless us with children. Perhaps he will bless us with children to adopt. Perhaps He will bless us with grace that is sufficient even if we never have children to call our own.